Yes fans, that right, I'm back, this time to discuss my hate of something stupid and boring, “D War”, or “Dragon Wars” if you live in the UK. Sure, the concept sounds totally awesome, massive dragons breathing fire and wrestling with each other, hopefully with some Satan-worshipping death metal group playing in the background. In fact, just for the contrast effect, think about all the great things a film with the title “Dragon Wars” could have. Before I continue, I should probably confirm your thoughts that I have indeed been wanting 5 minutes, a shovel and “D-War” in a windowless room for some time now, and have been struggling to find a way to justify putting my feeling on it here. So, I promptly googled “thriller d war dragon wars” in order to find any site that can back me up here. Fine, so very few sites seem to agree with me, and none of these were worth mentioning, but the point is, it is a kind of thriller, two bad actors get chased by a sna -I mean dragon- for half the film. Fine, so I guess this is a good way to vent my anger and get a half-decent grade for my A-Level. For me (although you could argue that that's not really the point), a thriller is a film that is thrilling. A thrill ride. But lets not take my word for it, lets ask “http://www.thefreedictionary.com” “One that thrills, especially a sensational or suspenseful book, story, play, or movie.” (And while you check that it is indeed a website, find “thriller” and press on the speech button. Microsoft Sam always makes me laugh) Anyway, so that's a thriller. Sure, I wasn't thrilled by the film, but if it had been good, it would have been thrilling; dragon/car chases, tension build up, cliffhangers are all thrilling, therefore make up the thriller genre. Either way, IMBD does not agree. So this post is related, don't shoot me down. Anyway, back to the bad film. So, while I craftily raised the tension just there, I can now release it. Yes, that's right, I barely raised the tension at all, I just asked you to think of a good film, and then rambled on about something else. Was that just my bad writing structure? Yes and no, because my point is that the film does just that. By “raising the tension”, the film goes off on a tangent and offers an inexplicable flashback where some delinquent teenager runs off with a princess to save her from a sna- sorry, dragon – actually, I'm going to break the flow some more, and quickly mention that the dragon is in fact a snake. No, not the cool dragons in ”Reign of Fire”, or even the bad one in “Eragon”, one of those eel/snake hybrid things in eastern mythology (They don't even breath fire!) Basically, it just suffocates things, like a big Boa constrictor, which we all know wouldn't last a second against Smaug. Either way, lots of inexplicable things happen, such as Sauron's armies being unleashed upon the earth (no, I am not joking), and giant snakes displaying stealth that would make Sam Fisher weep. The storyline is generic and features twists as simple as a metaphorical straight line, the acting is empty and cheap, and had special effects that would have looked nice 10 years ago, and seeing as the budget obviously did not go on actors, I can only assume it was spent on trying to create a dragon of their own using several eels, snakes, and a factory of aphrodisiac. “Dragon Wars” is a bit of a misnomer, as the only real fight between dragons was at the very end when they headbutted each other for a bit in Mordor (once again, really!) The problem with this is that the film struggles to show much difference between the good dragon and the evil one. In general, the people or in this case, things, fighting for the side of all which is well and good tend to be incredibly good looking, even the dragons (watch “Mulan” again and try to disagree with me) The dragon in this case was slimy and scaly, and didn't look much better than the evil one. In summary, there was no awesome guitar solo, and very little fire. Don't bother.
I found this cartoon that explains my sentiments in greater detail.
http://www.legorobotcomics.com/?id=48
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